


The silence between us

by RaiseYourVoice



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Drama, Happy Ending, M/M, oblivious!Toru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2478854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/RaiseYourVoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toru knows he should be happy about the news Taka tells him but somehow they only cause a weird feeling that he can’t quite understand at first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

„So…you two are dating now? For real??” Toru’s voice sounded a little stiff while posing this question but his expression didn’t show what he really thought about the news he just heard. A few weeks ago the press started with the rumour that ONE OK ROCK’s vocalist was going out with Perfume’s A~chan and now out of the blue Taka told him that it actually became true a few days ago. The leader was seriously puzzled because as far as he knew the two have been only good friends but the vocalist said from the very beginning that he wasn’t interested in her in any romantic way. Somehow that turned out to have changed by now.  
“Well, seems like it. We’ve been in the cinema the day before yesterday and – even though it sounds really cliché – she got scared because of one scene and clung to me through the rest of the movie. When we left she suddenly grabbed my hand and before I knew what happened she confessed to me. I told her I like her a lot but that I’m not sure if that’s enough but…we decided it’s at least worth a try and maybe it’ll work out. I mean, she’s really cute and we get along pretty well. That’s quite good, isn’t it?”  
Taka scratched the back of his head in a flustered manner and grinned shyly at the younger male whose expression was still unreadable. Toru nodded out of reflex but to be honest, he absolutely disliked what he just heard. Sure, he was glad the elder found someone as sweet as A~chan and she was such a wonderful girl but still…The leader couldn’t help feeling irritated.  
“Toru, seriously, what’s up? I thought you’d be at least a little happy for me but somehow I get the feeling that it bothers you in some way.” The brunette tilted his head in obvious confusion while lifting a hand to put it softly on the younger’s upper arm. Taka might always say about himself that he couldn’t get anything right except for singing but he was so damn sharp when it came to other person’s feelings, it was almost creepy. Toru always thought he was good at hiding what he really felt when he wanted to but the smaller male managed to prove him wrong every time.  
“It’s nothing, really. That’s just a little abrupt and I didn’t expect you’d tell me such a thing suddenly. Of course I wish you the best of luck.” It sounded so wrong in his own ears but it seemed to not be the same for his friend because Taka now smiled again and suddenly pulled him in a short hug. The guitarist lifted his eyebrows in slight confusion but he returned the embrace gently before bringing a small distance between their bodies again.  
“Thank you. That’s what I wanted to hear.” Taka laughed softly and patted the guitarist’s shoulder, before a yawn slipped his fine shaped lips. He definitely had too little time to sleep lately. It was already past midnight anyway because they ended band practice only half an hour ago and Taka decided afterwards to tell his best friend about the new situation. He had already felt bad for not immediately telling their leader because from the beginning they’ve been pretty close and talked about everything. So only a few days of not telling Toru about his new relationship felt as if he was betraying the other in some way. Now that it was out he was more relaxed. Especially because all of this had a much deeper meaning and telling the younger about it had been priority for A~chan’s weird plan to work out…or not. The vocalist highly doubted all of this would do any good but arguing about it with the girl didn’t bring him anywhere. She was convinced of her supposedly brilliant idea and he was given no other option as to agree.  
“You seem tired and it’s late already, I guess we should call it a day.” Toru got up from the comfy couch while making this suggestion and he didn’t expect his friend to disagree. The vocalist nodded slowly even though he seemed to be somewhere else with his thoughts and got up a moment later. The leader was about to ask what was on the other’s mind but somehow he got the feeling he wouldn’t get a useful answer anyway. He also wanted to get home quickly and as much as he enjoyed the shorter male’s company, he really preferred being on his own now. The guitarist couldn’t grasp what this weird feeling in his heart right know was but he knew it wasn’t supposed to be there. The two musicians got their stuff and left the band room together, the leader locking the door before they headed out of the tall building. It was summer, the rainy season ended only a week ago and the air felt hot and humid even in the middle of the night. Inside they had a decent temperature thanks to the air conditioner but now the heat of the day hit them and the vocalist let out an almost inaudible sigh. Most of the way they walked in silence and there was only a short conversation about the result of today’s band practice, nothing more. Because the two of them lived pretty close to each other it took a while until their ways parted and thanks to the slightly strange atmosphere none of them minded it very much. Normally they often ended up standing at the crossroad without being able to end one of their random discussions or one of them simply dropped by the other’s place. Today none of both options occurred and the two young males only said goodbye with a short hug before parting. 

-

The next morning came quicker than expected, at least that’s what it felt like for the bandleader who fell asleep only two or three hours before the alarm went off. Cursing he fumbled for the alarm-clock on the nightstand and after managing to shut it up he let out a long yawn. Toru slept too little, therefore thought too much and it was more than too early to get up. Still, he somehow managed to get out of bed even though his body immediately longed for sinking back onto the comfy mattress. He was the bandleader so he was supposed to be in-time and kick the other’s butts for complaining about the early hours. Sure, it wasn’t that rare for the guitarist to be late himself or to complain or be lazy but when he had to be reliable, he definitely was. So the blonde got up, went into the bathroom and after dropping his clothes to the floor directly entered the shower cubicle to finally wake up properly. After a short but nicely warm shower he felt at least a little better even though his mind still seemed to be slightly off but he tried to ignore this fact. Why did he think and care so much about Taka suddenly being in a relationship? Was it even the relationship that got him into this state of mind? Maybe he was only irritated because it took the vocalist so long to tell him. That must be it! That was the only logical explanation. Any other reason would make him seem jealous and that was definitely wrong. The bandleader shook his head about his messed up thinking and grabbed his stuff after putting on some decent clothes. He didn’t bother to dry his hair and left his small flat after he made sure he had some money on him to buy a cup of coffee on his way to work.  
About an hour after leaving his house Toru finally arrived at their workplace, silently cursing because he just burned his tongue with the still hot coffee and to his surprise when he arrived on the right floor there was already someone waiting in front of the practice room. Stepping closer the leader noticed it was no one else than the smaller vocalist who beamed happily at him when he noticed his blonde friend. The guitarist warily smiled back but didn’t really feel like putting on a good mood when he was feeling quite down. Normally he would be glad to have Taka around and to not wait all by himself until every band member arrived but now he suddenly felt like going straight back home and cuddle up in his comfy bed. Seeing the elder brought back all the thinking about their talk yesterday and he preferred this topic to stay out of his mind.  
“Toru? Are you okay? You look tired.” The curly haired male looked at him with a worried expression in his deep brown orbs and tilted his head in an almost cute manner. Toru barely suppressed a sigh and shook his head softly while unlocking the door so they could enter the practice room instead of loitering around in the hallway. Taka closed the door and jumped onto the couch next to where his friend sat and scooted a bit closer while crossing his legs. His knees faintly touched Toru’s right upper thigh and the blonde lifted an eyebrow, looking at the energetic being from the corner of his eye.  
“Come on, what’s up? Tell me what’s bothering you. I noticed something must be going on because you acted so weird yesterday.” The vocalist nudged his friend’s leg with his index finger and showed a cute pout on his fine features. Even if Taka’s actions seemed pretty playful, the younger knew his friend was worried about him and mentally slapped himself for being so weird.  
“Nothing is bothering me or at least nothing serious. It’s okay, really. This is just a mood so don’t you worry about me.” Toru tried to show a reassuring smile and ruffled the others dark locks before turning back to grab his cup with the coffee. By now there was no risk to burn his tongue again so the guitarist drank most of the coffee before placing it back on the low table. Before he could lean back, though, the slender blonde unexpectedly felt two arms wrap around him and a warm body gently pressed against his own. Taka’s head rested against his chest near the right shoulder and his face was hidden by the dark curls.  
“Why are you acting like such an idiot? It’s not ‘nothing’ if you’re wandering around with such an expression written all over your face. Maybe the others won’t notice but I know you well enough to tell the difference between ‘nothing’ and ‘something serious’.” The leader had to admit he was a little taken aback by his friend’s sharp conclusion and it seemed like the shorter male could estimate the situation much better than himself. Toru told himself it wasn’t serious but somehow he knew it wasn’t just a mood. There was some kind of feeling that had been buried deep inside his heart for a while already and now it suddenly broke free. He also had a vague idea of what exactly this was about but Toru didn’t dare to even think about it. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way and he definitely wouldn’t dare to ruin everything through it.  
“You might be right…but it doesn’t matter. It’s something for me to solve and I’m not gonna whine about it. Please just accept that, okay? I promise I’ll talk to you if I need an advice or anything…” A low grumbling showed Taka’s disapproval but he didn’t ask any further and just stayed in his current position. His arms tightened a little but the leader found himself enjoying the unusual closeness and finally hugged the vocalist back, rested one hand on the dark locks. He couldn’t resist digging the fingertips into the surprisingly soft curls and a soft sigh of the elder revealed that he also seemed to savour this moment. Only when they heard footsteps in the hallway drawing closer, they brought a normal distance between their bodies and both watched the door until it opened and the other two band members entered the room together.  
“What’s with the two of you? Are you up to something or why are you sitting there like well-behaved children? You’re neither children nor well-behaved so that means something is going on.” Tomoya tilted his head in mistrust before he started to grin widely and just shook his head. Ryota already toddled over to his bass and started preparing it for practice and the drummer also went to his instrument. Toru directed a short glance to his shorter friend who simply shrugged with a small grin on his fine shaped lips. The next moment Taka already jumped off the couch and crossed the room to grab his microphone. The blonde followed his friends shortly after to get his guitar ready and they soon started today’s band practice.


	2. Chapter 2

It was not even a week later when the whole band met up with their former guitarist Alex in his small but comfy flat. Since Alex had to leave the band they couldn’t see each other as much as before but they tried to meet up as often as possible. Today they spent most of the time talking and playing PlayStation games, just spending some fun time together without thinking about anything stressful. After a while they teamed up for a game that was only meant for two players and because Toru already had enough of losing all the time decided to skip this one. So Taka and Alex played against Tomoya and Ryota. Last ones definitely had enough practice with their PSPs so it wasn’t much of a problem to lead the game. First Tomoya and Alex played against each other before it was the other’s turn to try and win the whole thing for their team. The blonde leader sat back on the couch while his friends sat on the floor in front of the TV. He watched the whole scenario with amusement but after a while, when he unconsciously started looking only at the vocalist, his thoughts slowly drifted off. Since Taka told him he was dating A~chan for real, something felt so wrong and different between them. The guitarist couldn’t describe it properly but for some reason there were moments when he couldn’t even look straight into his best friend’s eyes anymore.   
He knew he should be happy for the other to have found a sweet girlfriend but somehow Toru couldn’t bring himself to honestly accept it. He didn’t even get proper sleep the past days because of too much thinking. In the first place he was worried because he never had such unreasonable jealousy before but also because he wasn’t jealous of Taka having a girlfriend but jealous of A~chan, that she got his best friend. Okay, there, he admitted it. But there was still some kind of logical explanation for all of this. The vocalist had been his best and closes friend since he agreed to join the band. For all these years the shorter male didn’t have any relationship so of course it would be weird for the leader if this happened. If you suddenly have to “share” your best friend with someone else you might get jealous. It was stupid but sometimes inevitable. Toru would learn to be okay with it, bury those stupid feelings as deep as possible and move on. He couldn’t be so confused because of such a reason.  
“Oi, Toru!! How many times to I have to call your name until I get a reaction? Did you fall asleep or what’s up?” Alex voice and the soft hit against his shoulder brought the blonde back to reality. Toru blinked several times and scolded himself for spacing out with the others around.  
“No, I’m not asleep, that’s quite impossible on your so-called couch. This is more like a block of cement.” The guitarist patted the rather hard seating next to himself and curled his lips in a teasing grin. He had to distract his friend from asking questions and teasing was the best way to do that. Alex let out a playful huff and pulled a face before slapping the younger’s shoulder once again.  
“Pardon me, Sir, that my couch is not to your liking. Tomorrow I’ll immediately head out to get a new one that’s more suitable for your royal behind. I hope you can forgive me this cruelty.” The American tried to sound serious but his facial expression ruined the whole show and made it seem even more ridiculous than it already was. Taka, who had been looking at the two from his position on the floor, lifted an eyebrow and couldn’t help laughing about this absurd scene because Alex even bowed to underline his dramatic act. Even the leader couldn’t suppress to grin about this and slapped the elder’s head in the moment he bowed.  
“Stop this nonsense idiot. You always have to make a scene out of everything.” The scolding didn’t really sound like one but that was fine for Toru. He didn’t mind those moments with the American at all. All of them enjoyed such stupid actions by their former lead-guitarist who always managed to brighten the mood with his silly behavior. Even after Alex broken-heartedly told them he would have to leave the band he managed to make a complete farce out of this moment so no one had the chance to be all sad after this particular decision was told.  
“I’m seriously worried about your condition, can’t you tell?” The American let out a theatrical whining sound before scooting off the couch and on the floor. A second later Taka, who was so unfortunate to sit in the shortest distance, was wrapped by Alex’s strong arms who acted as if he was deeply hurt that Toru didn’t take him serious. The leader only rolled his eyes and leaned back without paying much attention to his idiot friend.  
“No, I can’t tell. All the gesturing and exaggerated words must have clouded my perception.” The blonde grinned amused and watched how the vocalist struggled for a moment before slapping their friend right onto the head and finally coming free. Alex rubbed his now slightly hurting head with a sulking expression and Taka simply climbed on the couch next to the leader to get away from the American.  
“Are you guys finished? We wanted to start the next game if you don’t mind.” Tomoya looked at the three before stealing the controller from the bassist’s hands and already chose a character for the upcoming round. Ryota complained about the stolen controller before his friend pointed out that his gamepad was right by his side. Alex got his own one and gave the other two controllers to his friends who were still seated on the couch. For a short moment Toru thought about joining their friends on the floor but in the end he decided against it. Not because the position was better for playing or more comfortable but because right now he didn’t want to lose the warmth he could feel thanks to the fact that the shorter male was sitting quite close to him. Taka was sitting cross-legged and his knee lightly touched the side of the guitarist’s thigh. Maybe he was feeling and acting strange lately but right now Toru felt at ease. It was fun with the others around and with his best friend close to him that it almost seemed as if everything was okay again. He didn’t know he would have to admit soon enough that everything was far from being okay…


	3. Chapter 3

“That’s it for today guys. Time to go home and get some rest, tomorrow is gonna be a long day. Remember to be in the studio at eight!!” Toru put his guitar aside and looked at his colleagues who simply nodded at this unnecessary reminder. They didn’t forget that from tomorrow on the recording for their new album started and it got a little annoying that the leader told them about it almost every day. No one was ever late for recordings in the studio and no one ever forgot about the time but the blonde still needed to inform them about such things daily. Maybe it was just for himself so he wasn’t the one to forget? They didn’t ask, simply because it would only lead to a stupid discussion.  
“Toru, you’re going there by car, right? Could you pick me up on your way?" Taka had this pleading lost-puppy expression on his fine features and even if the leader would have gotten the idea to reject this question, one look into the shorter's deep brown orbs managed to definitely leave him without much of a choice. Of course Toru would never say no to such a plea of his best friend and because the other's home was on his way to the recording studio it was quite logical for him to pick the vocalist up. They always did it this way so he didn't even know why Taka bothered asking.  
"Yes I am and why shouldn't I give you a ride? I always do that when we have to go to the studio or did you forget?" He ruffled the curly hair of his friend for a short moment and got his bag after everything was packed. Their two friends were already finished collecting their stuff and said their goodbyes before heading out of the practice room.  
"Of course I remember but it's more polite to ask first and it's not impossible that you might not be able to pick me up because of whatever reasons." The vocalist nodded at his own explanation and grinned at his taller friend before lifting up his own bag from the couch. They went to the door and Toru locked it behind them before they headed out of the huge building.  
"Since when do you think about acting polite?" The blonde couldn't help this question and grinned teasingly at the elder who pulled a face at him and growled playfully.  
"I'm always polite!" This simple sentence made the guitarist burst out in laughter and even the soft hit against his shoulder couldn't stop him. It felt good to fool around and tease his best friend like that because the past days once again had been full of stupid thoughts and restlessness. Toru told himself to let this weird feeling pass by and to ignore it but it was quite hard to do. Every time Taka only mentioned A~chan he felt his chest tighten and the unreasonable jealousy washed over his mind. The blonde felt bad about himself because he really wanted to feel happy for his best friend and it was awful that he couldn't bring himself to be honest about what was going on. The vocalist had asked him several times about the reason for his sudden weird moods but he always managed to avoid telling the truth. He knew he should probably talk with Taka about it, maybe they could figure it out together. But every time the guitarist planned on mentioning it something came up to keep him from talking. In reality he simply was a coward and didn't dare to speak up about this topic, of course every chance to avoid pouring his heart out was very welcome lately.  
"It's mean to make fun of me but I think it's even more rude to space out all of a sudden. You know, in some way I'm glad if you start this teasing lately because it means you feel okay but it's really quickly that your mood changes again. I don't like the expression that you're constantly wearing these days. Even if you don't tell me a damn thing, I still notice something is going on." There was the topic once again and Taka had this serious sound in his voice that immediately made sure he wouldn't back off easily this time. The vocalist wanted to know what was up with his best friend and would find out, one way or the other.  
"I told you several times that it's okay and nothing for you to worry about. Believe me, it's not that big of deal." The same reaction as always but now the shorter male seemed to get angry about this fact and his normally cheerful deep brown orbs darkened a little. Taka stopped in his tracks without a warning and grabbed the blonde's wrist to make him pause, too.  
"Enough! This isn't some kind of joke or game, Toru! I'm not asking out of politeness but because I am worried. Maybe you haven't notice because you’re always spacing out, but I have been watching you the past days and you can tell me a hundred times that it's okay but I won't believe you anymore. You're my best friend and I care about you a lot more than you might think so cut the crap. Every time I ask what's going on you push me away and tell me you manage this on your own but you clearly don't." Toru was absolutely confused by his friend's sudden outburst and the angry glare on the elder's fine features. It was rare to see the curly haired man pissed off like this and the guitarist didn't feel happy that he managed to get him in this state.  
"I know and I'm sorry but I can't talk to you about it. I'm just...confused lately and try to figure out what's up with me. I never intended to make you worry. It’s gonna be okay, promise.” The guitarist hoped for his friend to calm down again and that he wouldn’t be forced to talk about his feelings. He didn’t want to accept that he seemed to have deeper feelings for the elder than he should have and this scared him a little. Also he didn’t know how to deal with it if he would decide to accept it.  
“I know this wasn’t your intention but still…I can’t just silently watch this anymore! Maybe you didn’t expect me to notice it but this strange behavior of yours started exactly the next day after I told you that I’m dating A~chan. Does this have anything to do with it? If so, tell me and for god’s sake be honest about what kind of problem you have with it. I’m not that blind, you know.” The guitarist felt caught and barely managed not to jerk because the shorter male hit the bull’s eye with a scarily convinced attitude. Somehow he felt like there was no other option than telling his friend about his slight struggles with the new and unfamiliar situation but there were those stupid doubts lingering in his heart, telling Toru to shut the hell up about this topic and to keep on playing it down.  
“It doesn’t have anything to do with you being in a relationship. Why would I have any problem with this? I’m truly happy for you and A~chan is a really sweet girl so I wish you all the best. When you told me about it I was only a little shocked because I didn’t expect this at all. And for the other thing…there’s nothing you could do to help and I’m not going to complain to you about whatever is going on at the moment. Like I said, I’ll deal with it on my own and you should wrap your thoughts about more important stuff.” Listening to himself the blonde almost believed those words to be true and honest but deep down he knew it was just a silly masquerade to get away from his own confusion. Telling Taka that it was fine for him might’ve made it okay again, at least that’s what a very naïve part of his brain wanted to believe. The vocalist looked up at his best friend, frowned and suddenly lifted his arm to softly punch the younger’s shoulder.  
“Right now you are the greatest idiot on earth and even though I’m not completely convinced that this is the truth, I’m gonna believe you and will shut up about this. I can tell you to talk to me all I want but if you refuse to, I’ll have to accept it. Besides, I’m damn tired and not in the mood for an exhausting discussion so I’ll head home and hit the sheets. When you’re in trouble, talk to me and don’t dare to keep this “I’m the leader and have to protect everyone”-attitude. That’s all I’ve gotta say for now and with this I wish you a good night, sleep well.” The curly haired male acted as if he was in a better mood again but his eyes clearly showed the disbelieve and doubt he had towards Toru’s explanation. He wouldn’t give up this easily and even though A~chan told him this was like the perfect proof for her plan to be successful, he felt like this whole act should’ve never started. Telling his best friend not to lie to him and hiding something himself was actually giving this discussion a very bitter aftertaste. Taka could only hope it wouldn’t get messed up any more.  
“Mh, okay. Even though I’m not having this kind of attitude but I got it. Now get going and have a good rest. See you tomorrow at work.” Toru smiled at his friend before giving him a short hug, then they parted ways and each one of them headed to their own place. Not aware of the fact that their thoughts were occupied with nearly the same subject.

Arriving at home Toru slipped out of his shoes and only got a glass of water from the kitchen before entering the living room. The glass was put down on the low table and the blonde let himself fall down onto the soft surface of his comfy couch, closing his eyes with a deep sigh. He saw Taka’s face before his inner eye with the angry expression from before. The guitarist knew he kinda disappointed his best friend by not telling him anything and he also knew the shorter male was right, he was pushing the vocalist away in some way. He didn’t mean to and actually he would prefer to pull the other closer but how to do that without revealing his feelings? This thought came to his mind completely without warning and Toru sat up quickly while opening his eyes again. Revealing his feelings? What did he mean by that? What kind of feelings did he…hide? The blonde felt completely stupid for not being able to figure this out by himself and even though he knew he would totally regret doing this, got his phone from the table. After hesitating for a slight moment he finally dialed the familiar number and pressed the phone softly to his ear. A part of him hoping that the other end wouldn’t be picked up but he knew he needed to talk to someone. Otherwise he might take ages to get what was going on lately.  
“Yo, Toru. What’s going on bro?”  
He was close to hanging up at this greeting but managed to keep himself from doing that and let out an annoyed sound instead. Why exactly did he decide to call this weirdo again? Must’ve slipped his mind that he would have a complete idiot at the other end…  
“Alex, shut up and stop this stupid way of talking or I’ll hang up again. I didn’t call to be reminded of the fact that I’ve befriended a lunatic.” The blonde sank back against the couch and ruffled his hair with his free hand while listening to the slightly choked laughter at the other end.  
“Oh dear, you are in a kind grumpy mood today as it seems, huh? So, my friend, what’s the reason to call me at this hour?” The American quickly switched to his sane-mode and Toru simply ignored the still slightly playful sound of the other’s voice. He knew it was a bad idea to call their ex-guitarist but he had to admit that Alex was the only person he knew who might be able to give him a helpful advice. Maybe. If the elder was in the right mood and mental state.  
“I know I’m going to regret this sooner or later but…I…kinda…wanted to ask for an advice.” He wanted to hang up so badly right now and just pretend this never happened because he was supposed to be the leader who managed everything and didn’t come crawling to his friends for help. Even though he seemed to be a little over dramatic these days and started over thinking the most trivial things. Okay, he was a mess and a little desperate after this talk with Taka. The other one knew it had something to do with A~chan and even the blonde’s explanation didn’t seem to change anything about this fact.  
“I knew this day would come! I’m all ears, tell uncle Alex what’s bothering you and I promise I will do my best to make the worries go away~” Yes, it definitely was a bad idea to talk to the ex-guitarist.  
“That’s not very helpful. Stop making this even more awkward, would you? Do me a favor and be serious at least for ten minutes!” This was going to be a quite long night of explaining and trying to avoid explicit questions but maybe Toru would come out a little smarter than before and that should be worth the effort - hopefully. Alex wouldn’t make this and easy talk and of course he would want to know what it was all about but the leader definitely wouldn’t mention anything too obvious. He wondered if the “I have a friend and he has this problem…”-method would work? But his friend was too clever to fall for such stories. Alex was the master of stupid tales and knew if someone told the truth or not. He might be a childish weirdo most of the time but he was just as sharp and attentive. After his friend agreed to behave from now on Toru took a short breath before trying to explain the situation properly without going into detail, praying that Alex wouldn’t figure him out right from the start.


	4. Chapter 4

_~take my hand  
~take my whole life too  
~for I can’t help falling in love with you  
~some things are meant to be  
~and this is the way it goes  
~I just can’t help falli-_

Toru hit the button of the radio with a low growl to make it shut up and directed a glare at the now silent device before a low sigh escaped his fine shaped lips. It was finally a day off after three long days of recording, sleepless nights and once again much thinking. It had turned out that calling Alex didn’t exactly help his state but the talk had made it even worse. He had been so lucky that his friend didn’t get suspicious or at least didn’t say so but he came up with some kind of explanation that sounded way too logical. After telling the elder about those confusing feeling and that he didn’t know what to think about his own behavior anymore, the ex-guitarist had only one possible conclusion and his response sounded as followed:   
“You can be pretty dumb, you know? I think this sounds totally obvious but you don’t see the wood for the trees. There is a word to describe your current attitude and that’s called ‘jealousy’. With this figured out there is only one other diagnosis to be pointed out. You, my dear friend, seem to have a bad crush on your certain I’m-in-a-relationship-now person.”  
Of course Toru denied it and was absolutely sure for this not being true but after they ended the call he couldn’t bring his mind to calm down. He only slept about two hours this night filled with even more confusing dreams and sitting at the table in his kitchen the next morning, feeling depressed and horribly tired, the leader couldn’t help but admit that he might really have an even graver problem than expected.  
This was the morning when they had their first day of recording and he could only be glad they had been split up for their parts so I barely got to see the vocalist during the past days. Only for a greeting and goodbye, maybe a short chat in the hallways but it was easy to avoid being around his best friend for too long. So now was a day off and he should feel happy about this but of course his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. He felt bad for being jealous and even worse about the fact that he developed such feelings for Taka. How should he be able to look into the elder’s eyes properly from now on with the knowledge that he could never even tell him about this. There was not a snowballs chance in hell for Toru to confess to his friend. Taka was in love with A~chan, they had a relationship and the blonde could never ever have this. He would never know how it felt to see a loving sparkle in the vocalist’s deep orbs, how it felt to touch those full lips that would certainly whisper sweet confessions to the beloved one and he would never find out how it was to hold the slim body so close that he’d be able to feel the other’s heartbeat. This was another thing he felt horrible about.   
Since he admitted to himself that Alex was right, the guitarist couldn’t stop himself from thoughts like these and it scared him in some way. He never expected to ever fall in love with another guy, let alone on of his closest friends. And there he was, staring into the already cooled down rest of his coffee and feeling miserable about every little thought that came to his mind. Having a crush on someone wasn’t easy but being in love was even harder because the feelings were far from childish affection and a lot deeper and also much more painful when there was no chance to have them returned. Toru’s head was aching and his heartbeat didn’t seem to calm down, sent a wave of uncomfortableness through his body with every contraction.   
Only the unexpected ring of the doorbell managed to wake him from drowning even further in his unpleasant way of thinking and the guitarist lifted his head with a puzzled expression. He didn’t expect any visitors and he also didn’t order anything so it couldn’t be the postman. Another ring sounded through the unusually quiet flat and was followed by soft knocking against the wood of the front door. So whoever it was stood right on the other side of the door and not downstairs in front of the house. Maybe one of the neighbors forgot to close the door to the building once again, wouldn’t be the first time. When the blonde got up and went to the hallway and wanted to answer the door, he froze in his steps when he heard a very familiar voice from the other side.  
“I told you he’s not at home otherwise he would’ve opened the door long ago. … How would I know? It’s not like he’s telling me about his every step. In fact, he doesn’t tell me anything at all lately. … He didn’t even answer my text yesterday, why would you think he’d do that today? … I have no clue what I did wrong. Or well, I kinda do know and I’m already trying to fix it but it’s not that easy to do. … No, I’m not going to tell you what this is about and why did you insist on staying on the phone anyway? I would’ve hung up on you in the case of Toru opening the door. And now enough of this, I’ll go back home and I promised to call A~chan so I’ll end this conversation right here.”  
Of course the person in front of his door had to be Taka but he was obviously talking to someone on the phone and the leader had to admit he was curious what this conversation was about. The things that he could hear from the vocalist didn’t make much sense or give away anything. But hearing that his best friend seemed to be really frustrated about the atmosphere between them made his heart ache a little. He never wanted Taka to feel ignored or left out and still, this was exactly what Toru had been doing lately. Of course he got the message the day before where the shorter male was asking to meet up on their free day but he could neither bring himself to agree nor reject the other one. And now the blonde was standing in his own flat, staring at the wooden front door and listened to the fading footsteps instead of letting his friend in. He didn’t know at what point he became such a horrible person but it was really awful and the leader bit his bottom lip harshly to suppress a frustrated whimper. Why didn’t he just answer the door like every normal person would do? Taka was his best friend and it wasn’t his fault that the guitarist was unable to cope with his own feelings but that was no reason to act like a complete asshole. Toru knew he disappointed the vocalist and still…his thoughts were simply stuck to the fact that the other one would be calling his new girlfriend in some minutes. He couldn’t even focus on the important things anymore and kept on making the situation even worse than necessary.  
“I’m just useless…Why are some stupid, absurd feelings able to mess everything up?!” He didn’t understand and even though the blonde knew it was wrong he didn’t even change his behavior during the upcoming days either. All his energy was used up for the hours in the studio and Toru couldn’t tell how he managed to get work done without too many mistakes but he was glad the album would be finished in time at this rate. The thing he wasn’t glad about, though, was the fact that he completely underestimated his best friend’s temper. If hadn’t been so distracted by feeling bad about himself and trying to focus on work, he certainly would have known that Taka didn’t belong to the kind of persons who would silently watch and endure such a miserable atmosphere. He would’ve know it was just a matter of time for the vocalist’s temper to kick in and honestly, when the curly haired man got seriously angry about something he definitely knew how to make sure this was noticed…


	5. Chapter 5

Only half a week had passed since the day that Toru didn’t open the door even though he knew it was the vocalist who wanted to pay him a visit. He still felt remorse about his behavior that day and his attitude since then. They had almost finished recording the new album and even though he was glad about how smoothly the work was done, he didn’t quite look forward to having a regular day of band practice again because it would make it difficult to avoid his best friend any longer. He didn’t even think of the possibility that even before the recording would be finished he could get in a situation where getting round this certain topic might be out of the question. It was at the end of the second to last day of working in the studio that he left the room after polite goodbyes and noticed Taka leaning against the wall in the hallway. The vocalist’s recordings had ended about 2 hours ago so of course the leader didn’t see it coming to run into the shorter male today. He only saw the other one shortly after his arrival in the morning and greeted him before hurrying away with an excuse he didn’t even remember anymore.  
“Hey, why are you still around?” Toru didn’t want to ignore his friend completely and there was no harm in asking this question, right? The elder’s dark orbs stared at him for a short moment before Taka pushed himself away from the wall with a low growl.  
“Let’s try to figure the reason out. Ryota and Tomoya finished for today about an hour ago, conclusion: they left the building long ago. There’s nothing I have to discuss with the folks inside so what could I possibly still be doing here, huh? I’m waiting for a certain dumbass because I’ve had it up to here with this ridiculous situation. Does this answer your question?” Even though Taka’s voice sounded relatively calm and relaxed, he was obviously pissed and this was never a good sign. So here was the point that Toru overdid it with all his avoiding, denying and hiding. Of course he knew he couldn’t get away forever but he wasn’t prepared that now would be the moment to be horribly scolded by the normally good-natured vocalist.  
“Uhm…so you’re waiting for me?” Of course this was a stupid question because the other one made it pretty obvious but the words left his lips before the guitarist could even think about it. Actually his mind wasn’t able to get a clear thought right now and his fastened heartbeat wasn’t very helpful either. Toru had to admit, he was scared of this confrontation.  
“Brilliant conclusion, Sherlock. Come on, we should leave this place because I don’t want to disturb anyone here. There are some things I want to make clear and be assured, I’m not willing to act all polite and understanding because this is your own fault!” The curly haired man’s voice had a more gloomy tone to it now and the dark glare was the sign to just nod as an answer. Maybe it would be better to shut up for now and Toru didn’t even dare to even think of an excuse for escaping what was about to happen. They left the building and he walked slightly behind his friend who didn’t seem to care much about this fact. The guitarist didn’t need much time to notice they were heading in the direction of Taka’s place that was located quite close to the recording studio. Both walked the whole way in complete silence and the blonde felt more and more uneasy. He never thought the day would come that he was actually afraid of talking to his best friend or that he could feel even more miserable after the past days.  
When they finally arrived at the vocalist’s place he started to get a little nervous and it felt like ages until they entered the building to go upstairs and into the flat of the elder. There was still this heavy silence weighing in the air and after Toru got out of his shoes he followed his friend into the kitchen but stopped in the doorway. At first it seemed like Taka wanted to get something to drink for them but he simply turned around and leaned against the sideboard and fixed his gaze on the guitarist while his eyes darkened a little.  
“You know, I really tried to understand and to accept the fact that you wouldn’t talk to me but this is going too far! What have I done to deserve being ignored and completely left out of everything?? The only ‘conversations’ lately are some greetings and aside from that you totally avoid me and don’t dare to tell me that it’s not true! I’m neither blind nor stupid, Toru!” Taka’s voice became a little louder with every sentence and the expression on his face made clear he would let the guitarist get away with any stupid excuses this time. This was exactly the reason why Toru wanted to avoid such a situation so badly. He knew his friend could be persistent and wouldn’t simply give in if he was told to. The curly haired male was very attentive when it came to his friends and most of the time he could see right through a fake smile or dishonest answers. Sometimes it felt like the other one could sense it when something was wrong.  
“What am I supposed to say to this? I can only tell you that it’s not your fault.” Maybe saying nothing was better than such a silly phrase and of course it only caused the shorter male to look even more grumpy and annoyed. Most of the time Taka’s fine features would show a happy or mischievous expression but the times of looking so gloomy could be counted on the fingers of one hand.  
“Oh, thank you. That clears everything up.” The sarcasm couldn’t be any more audible and Toru let his head sink a bit lower and so did his shoulders. Normally he wasn’t the person to endure scolding or being yelled at without any resistance but there was nothing he could reply without giving the truth away or telling a horrible lie. Every fiber of his body wanted to avoid a fight but it seemed to be inevitable even though it was kinda one-sided. Toru was the leader and normally in charge of the control but he lost said control over the past days, even weeks. To be honest, he had never felt this vulnerable and lost in his whole life.  
“Taka…” He wanted to explain so badly but there was no way he could simply blur out his true feelings in such a situation. There was no chance for this to happen in any other situation either. Whatever he intended to say right now the vocalist wouldn’t let him anyway by cutting him off with a disapproving growl before crossing the arms in front of his chest.  
“Just shut up! I know the words that would come out would either be obvious excuses or something similar but not the truth. I never thought the moment would come that I feel the urge to slap you but right now it might make me feel at least a little better. You are a thick-headed dumbass, always trying to protect everyone and forgetting about yourself in the meantime. Why can’t you for once depend on someone? Depend on me? I can’t even count the many times that I came to you, seeking for help or just soothing words because I felt miserable. I guess you’re the only one who saw me in my worst moments but still kept calm and did help me without hesitation. You always managed to make it better, to make me feel less bad about myself. Why can you do this for me but feel like you can’t allow yourself to show weakness? I’m the last person on earth to judge you or to push you away. I will listen but therefore you have to start talking to me again.” Taka paused for a moment and had to take a proper breath again because he neglected this during all the talking. He still sounded very angry but also bitter and there was also a pleading tone mixed into it. A small part of Toru was actually a little bit happy about some of the things he was just told but the greater part of him could only feel pain because the other one was obviously very upset thanks to him. Honestly, the guitarist didn't even consider that his friend might react this strong and would be more focusing on his girlfriend but when this thought crossed his mind now he realized how stuipd it sounded. Taka was too kind and thoughtful so there was no way he could not care much about it. Toru should know better than thinking this bad of the elder because he knew exactly how sensitive Taka was. He had been too wrapped up in his self-pity to think straight. Even though the moment of silence lasted longer than expected, the leader didn't even try to say something and only bit his bottom lip.  
"So now you're not even saying a single word to me anymore? I don't want to have this kind of conversation either and I don't want to yell at you and be angry. It's just...I dunno what to do or say to get through to you. You seem to be so depressed and worn out, I can't stand to watch this in silence. I can't stand to see this broken expression on your face. It hurts to see you like this and I want to make you feel better but...how to do that when I know nothing? This started after I told you about A~chan and you can't tell me it has nothing to do with this." The curly haired man might have been yelling before but now his voice got a lot lower and the pleading tone became even clearer. Toru's heart pounded painfully against his ribcage and hearing Taka say that it hurt him how things were lately was only making it more unbearable than it already had been.  
"It doesn't matter if it's because of her or not. I don't have the right to complain about you being in a relationship. I'm not this kind of person and you should kno-" The guitarist stopped in the middle of the sentence because of some low mumbled words that had left the other's lips while he was talking. He wasn't sure if he understood right so Toru couldn't suppress to ask what the shorter male had just said.  
"I said: I'm not. I'm not in a relationship." Now it was Taka’s head that was a bit lowered while the taller male lifted his again and confusion was written all over his face. The vocalist wasn’t in a relationship? But that’s exactly what he had told or did the leader get the information wrong?  
“But you said…” Toru was totally confused by now and even forgot his own miserable feelings for a short moment. What was going on right now? His friend’s expression had been so angry and disappointed before but now it looked more like guilt with a hint of sadness. Obviously the blonde wasn’t the only one hiding something and this made him relax at least a tiny bit.  
“I know this isn’t an excuse but it was A~chan’s idea to tell you that we’re dating even though we never were. Actually she has someone she’s going out with and I’m not interested in her at all, we’re just good friends and that’s all that is to it.” The leader had never felt more relieved about such news as he was right now. But he couldn’t really be happy about the fact that the person of his interest wasn’t taken because he didn’t understand why he was told such a story in the first place. The explanation gave away that he had been the only one Taka had told this untrue fact and he wondered why this was the case. Did he do something wrong to deserve being played such a trick on?  
“Uh…I guess I’ve got to explain it some more now. You should know that it was never my intention to hurt you and this wasn’t supposed to kid you. It was…How should I put this? Nh…this is going to be the worst confession ever…” Taka only mumbled the last sentence and the younger almost didn’t understand the words. Confession? What kind of confession was he talking about? He couldn’t possibly mean… Toru’s heart started beating a tad faster again and he felt the nerviness rising once again. The curly haired male seemed to be kinda shy all of a sudden and rubbed his neck in an embarrassed manner before letting out a soft sigh. It felt like an eternity until the deep brown orbs were directed at the blonde again and the vocalist’s fine shaped lips opened to finally clear the meaning behind this up.


	6. Chapter 6

“I said the whole thing was A~chan’s idea but I guess basically you could say I’m the only one to blame for this. I shouldn’t have agreed on it in the first place. But I was so sure that you wouldn’t mind it anyway, sure that there was no chance of you being jealous…but then it seemed like you actually minded it. Even if that’s a stupid thing to say but for a moment I was kinda happy about this. I started to doubt it again when you said you were just surprised and nothing more. When you told me for the first time I believed it but then you started acting like this. I know you tried to hide it but it was obvious that something was on your mind since then. I wanted to talk to you, went to your place some days ago to clear this up and make it okay again but you haven’t been at home…” Toru almost flinched at this because he remembered standing in the hallway, staring at the door but not opening it. So if he wouldn’t have acted like a coward and had answered the door he might have gotten an explanation already instead of drowning in his miserable feelings. Maybe this was the punishment for being the greatest idiot on earth. But more important was the rest of what he was told and what Taka continued to tell him now.  
“I’m sorry for being this stupid and I’m sorry for yelling at you. It’s just that I can’t stand this sad expression on your face. I want you to smile again because I really miss seeing your smile and I miss talking to you. Furthermore I want you to know that…no one…is as important to me as you are.” The vocalist had started walking up to his friend when he apologized and was now standing only about half a meter away. He was obviously insecure but still kept his head up and was looking straight at Toru who could see un-spilled tears forming in the dark brown orbs. He had been listening to the slightly shaky voice of his friend closely and his heart was beating so fast, it was almost painful. The blonde knew this was the time for him to open his mouth and add something to this one-sided conversation but his brain was still occupied with processing all the information. Only when the shorter male hesitantly reached out and his slender fingers grabbed the material of Toru’s shirt, tugging at it ever so lightly, he finally found his voice again.  
“There’s no need for you to apologize. I’m the one who has to ask for forgiveness because of my stupidity. I don’t know how this could happen to me and to be honest it also scares me a little that I could be like this. Especially after realizing what this feeling means, I was afraid to be found out and didn’t dare to face you…I never knew I could be such a coward.” Toru couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh but immediately felt the touch of a hand on his side and cause a tingling feeling because he could feel the warmth through the thin material of his shirt.  
“I’m not mad at you anyway, it’s okay. I was angrier because I couldn’t figure out what this meant anymore. I couldn’t tell the reason of your behavior, whether it was because of jealousy or something completely different. But what you just said…it means that you…” The vocalist shifted a little closer without noticing it and looked up at his taller friend with a shy but hopeful gaze. This view truly managed to make Toru’s lips curl up to the hint of a smile and without thinking he lifted a hand to gently rest it on top of the shorter male’s head. He ruffled the soft curls playfully before burying his fingertips in the dark hair at the back of the other’s head. Somehow the guitarist felt a lot calmer now even though his heart was still pounding like crazy and he couldn’t believe this was really happening. Taka’s insecure behavior also managed to bring back his confidence that had disappeared days ago because the blonde could see now that he wasn’t alone in this anymore.  
“What I just said? You mean that I realized my feelings? This means that I have a very weird taste because otherwise I dunno how it could happen that I’d fall for such a loud-mouthed nuisance like you. But honestly, I don’t mind it that much because actually you can be just as cute as you can be mean.” His confidence wasn’t enough for the clear three words love confession and not nearly romantic but the mix of indignation with the soft spark of happiness in Taka’s brown orbs made it totally worth it. Toru flinched lightly because his side was pinched and softly tugged at one of the curls in return.  
“I didn’t know one could make such a weird confession and at the same time let it sound like an insult but thanks for showing me that it does work. You have to learn how to create the right atmosphere and don’t ridicule it. Unbelievable.” Taka’s scolding only caused a soft laughter from the younger and in the next moment he found himself embraced by the guitarist’s other arm and was pulled closer to the slender body in front of him.  
“And you have to learn how to shut up once in a while or I’ll make you.” With this being said the blonde leaned in and carefully covered Taka’s fine shaped lips with his own, pressed a gentle kiss onto the silky surface and felt his cheeks heat up at the same time. He never expected another man’s lips to be this soft but this felt so much better than any other kiss he shared with a girl before. He noticed the vocalist’s fingers grabbed his shirt a little tighter when he started to return the gentle contact and even let out a soft sigh. All of Toru’s miserable feelings from the past days had disappeared completely by now and he could only sense comfortable warmth rushing through his mind and body. His friend loosened the kiss way too early and the blonde opened his half-closed eyes again to take a look at Taka. The elder’s cheeks where covered with a clearly visible blush and his slightly opened lips showed a loving smile but all of a sudden they changed to a cheeky grin and Toru knew this couldn’t be a good sign.  
“There’s just one more thing I have to ask. Where the hell did you steal this horribly cheesy line? ‘Shut up or I’ll make you’ – you can’t say such a thing in this kind of situation. Couldn’t you come up with something more thoughtful? Gosh, you’re so weird…” The teasing sound of Taka’s voice and his amused grin caused the guitarist to let out a low growl before he grabbed the shorter male on both sides of his hips to lift him up and sat him down on the top of the table.  
“You, my friend, are very weird yourself. If you think this was such an unfitting sentence to say, what is it that you would have said in my place?” Now Toru was the one who started grinning because he was pretty sure that the other one wouldn’t be able to come up with something better all of a sudden. Maybe the line had been stupid but his mind wasn’t able to come up with something more thoughtful because right now it was completely occupied with the being right in front him, there was no room to think of a romantic statement. But the guitarist preferred to keep this to himself because this would sound even cheesier.  
“Well, considering the fact that I was complaining about your way of confessing before, I can tell you how I would have reacted in your place. First: an excuse for the unromantic confession. Second: leaning closer to my ear and tell me you’ll make up for it by re-phrasing what you wanted to express. Third and last: do what you said and come up with a short but proper sentence to make your feelings clear. Such as…” Taka lifted a hand to place it at the back of the guitarist’s neck and gently pulled him closer so he could easily reach Toru’s ear with his lips that were curled up in a smile. He pressed a feathery kiss to the younger’s ear and whispered a soft “I love you” that caused not only his cheeks to heat up a little more  
Toru should have expected that the vocalist would be able to come up with something much better because Taka knew how to express things the right way when he wanted to. Maybe the blonde had no chance to ever win against the shorter male but he never felt more okay with this fact than he did right now.


End file.
